Too Many Hats

Dear Traitorously Phillip,

A charming charlatan of a merchant has convinced many people in my town that a most ludicrous chapeau is an absolute necessity this season. He calls it the two-prick hat, or some such ridiculousness. My lady wife is utterly enamored of the things, going so far as to purchase not one, not two, but three of these atrocious accessories! She insists they were a bargain, but I think this merchant is fleecing her. How may I best convince this seditious shopkeeper that he has made a powerful enemy, and should perhaps relocate his operation elsewhere?

Hood and Dagger

Dear Hood,

Simply drop by his establishment with a few of your friends. Pick those for the task largest of arm and smallest of scruples. I’m sure this swindler can be persuaded to offer you a refund and perhaps to see the upside in some more distant piece of real estate. Be sure to let him know that your daggers would be more than willing to give him a prick or two if need be.

Any traitoring is good traitoring, but traitoring with friends is great traitoring!

Traitoriously Phillip.