Daring Daughter

Dear Traitorously Phillip,

I hope this message makes its way to you, I had to get it past the watchful eye of my lady mother.

I was recently fortunate enough to be presented at court. There I made the acquaintance of several young men of interest and cannot wait to get back to court to see them all again.

I have since been offered a position as a lady-in-waiting to Her Royal Highness but Mother says I may not go. She clearly wishes to ruin my life and would keep me from all of the beauty and fun of the court. How may I turn her cruel heart in my favor and make her understand that she simply must let me go before I surely perish of boredom?

I eagerly await your advice,

— Craving Court Life

Dear Craving,

I thought it best not to advise you without having all the information. Through a cunning use of a clever agent in my employ I have been able to gain the contents of a letter from your own watchful mother to that Loyally Luaithrend.  If it is not her joy and mission to stamp out every last semblance of fun in this kingdom then I surely can not discern it.

She advises your mother to employ a strategy of employing a toad-like nurse to watch you tirelessly during your stay at court!  A regular Cerebus to your gates of Hades, if you take my meaning.

What’s that you ask?  What’s point of even going to court if you are going to be watched like a hawk by some dreary chaperone the entire time?  Never fear, though she seems to have rendered bribery, my typical first avenue of attack a dead end, my second boulevard of assault, distraction may yet yield rewards.  If there is one area I am an expert in, it is undoubtedly distraction.

Once you arrive at court, set yourself, with single-mind, to the task of finding your nag of a nurse a potential suitor of her own. Probably someone rather squat and portly, a toad-of-a-man himself. Maybe a groundskeeper or hounds master. Even better would be someone from the kitchen or brewery, that way they could either woo her with food or lower their standards with drink.

Now, pass notes through friends to coach him in the ways of romance.  Advice on gifts of affection and words of passion.  In no time your nurse will be entirely distracted and you will have the run of the castle, free from prying eyes.

And if that doesn’t work, perhaps a well timed nudge down the stairs might see her injured enough that she has to return home.